For Family

Information for You and Ways you Can Help

When someone you love goes into treatment it gives you the time to look at what has been happening to family and relationships, in order to help you to identify some of the behaviours you may have adopted to cope with the situation we have provided some information below.

CO-DEPENDENCY

Living with active addiction puts a high strain on the families and friends of the addict: it alters the focus and dynamics within the family and relationships. You go on a roller coaster with the addict’s behaviour and find yourself sucked into the disease.

Family members and partners will display symptoms similar to those expressed by the using addict :

THEY WILL BECOME CO-DEPENDENTS

Some definitions of co-dependency:

Co-dependency is a word meaning “addiction to a person or relationship”.

The easiest way to describe it is to say that a co-dependent is working so hard at trying to control and “fix” someone else that his or her life is in turmoil as a result. Since no one can control another person’s thoughts, feelings, or behaviour, the co-dependent person is setting him or herself up for one painful disappointment after another.

Co-dependency is a pattern of painful dependence on compulsive behaviours, and on approval from others in an attempt to find safety, self worth and identity.

Co-dependency is a natural trait that through STRESS develops into disorders that can be harmful to the self and others.

Co-dependency is a preoccupation and focus outside of self with people, situations and things; a need to CONTROL people, situations and things.

Some traits and behaviours the co-dependent needs to address:

•Get off the merry go round

•Stop taking the victim role

•Stop the care taking

•Stop people pleasing

In recovery the co-dependent will need to:

•Address denial/enabling (see below for explanation)

•Install boundaries

•Look behind your need to control

•Take care of yourself and your own feelings.

Where can co-dependents fo for help?

These Support Groups can easily be found on the internet.

•Al-Anon (for families of alcoholics) – Self help group

•Families Anonymous (for families of drug addicts) – Self help group

•CODA meetings – Self help group specialising in co-dependency issues.

•Al-Ateen (children of addicts) – Self help group

Enabling

Sometimes ‘Helping’ Doesn’t Help at All

May times when family and friends try to “help” alcoholics/addicts, they are actually making it easier for them to continue in the progression of the disease.

This baffling phenomenon is called Enabling, which takes many forms, all of which have the same effect- allowing the alcoholic/addict to avoid the consequences of their actions. This in turn allows the addict to continue merrily along his ways, secure in the knowledge that no matter how much he messes up, somebody will always be there to rescue him from his mistakes.

What is the difference between helping and enabling?

There are many opinions and viewpoints on this, but here is a simple definition :

Helping is doing something for someone that they are not capable of doing themselves.

Enabling is doing for someone things that they could, and should be doing themselves.

Simply put, Enabling creates an atmosphere in which the alcoholic/addict can comfortably continue with their unacceptable behaviour.

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